When Life Doesn't Listen

In life, normally without meaning to, we picture things happening a certain way. And normally in life, things don't go the way we pictured. When they don't, when things don't follow our plan, we spend some time mourning the loss of the normalcy we never really had. Our vision, the good and perfect way things were supposed to go, is shattered and it's easy to feel a bit lost. 

I've been feeling a bit lost. Baby Girl is awesome and fun (though I sure do wish she would sleep more) but things haven't exactly gone the way I had planned. She was born with big blue eyes and a head of light colored hair and a hip that can't seem to stay in socket. She has hip dysplasia (the cool kids call it a "hip click") and the hip socket isn't fully formed. The doctor said it just happens sometimes. She was diagnosed at her initial "welcome to the world" examination and we were sent to an orthopedic specialist the day after we were released from the hospital. The doctor called it "significant." We left the orthopedic office with a cute baby girl in a full body harness. It goes over the shoulders, crosses the back and stretches down her legs ending with her feet in booties. Velcro straps pull her hips out and up so it always looks like she is sitting even when she is laying down. The doc said it hurts us more than it hurts her...and she is right. Plus it makes everything more difficult. Diaper changing requires weaving through a maze of straps. Bath time is an hour long ordeal of unstrapping each pieces, wiping her down then refastening before moving on. 

This week we went back to the doc to check the progress. Once again I had envisioned things going one way and I was sorely disappointed. There hasn't been any progress...no improvement. We go back next week for another check and if there isn't any improvement we will move on to a more rigid metal brace which will be more uncomfortable for her and a little more heartbreaking for us. Our prayer is that next Tuesday when we go back to the doc, the amount of improvement will astound her...that there will be no choice but to attribute the change to the big and awesome God we serve. 

It's not that I doubt God. I've seen Him do so many things, big and small, and I trust and believe He can heal a silly little hip. But I also know if I'm not mentally prepared for a deviation from my plan, it's easy to fall into a slump of doubt. If the braces don't work, Baby Girl will be put in casts that will cover both legs and extend halfway up her cute little belly.  That will be painful for both her and us.  Initially I hated her stupid harness.  Such an inconvenience.  But now, after the visit on Tuesday, I pray she can stay in it.

 Someone said, "Well at least it's not leukemia." True. We are blessed. And the people who are dealing with that situation need prayers by the truck load. We are thankful that she is here with us, breathing and smiling and pooping (a lot) but we are also praying earnestly that God...the God I tell kids about at church...the one who heals and saves and redeems and loves...we are praying that He will hear and answer. 

So if you have a minute, it would be awesome if you could thank God for this cutie muffin and also throw a prayer in there...maybe even two.  It's nice to know that God listens even when life doesn't.

Google Strike

I've decided that, for the moment at least, I'm on a Google strike. Normally I'm a big fan of The Google. What is a Goliath Bird-Eating Tarantula? Let me Google that. What restaurant serves the best onion rings in town? Hold on, I'll ask Google. You have a weird rash on the end of your nose? Let's see what Google has to say.

Google is normally a really great tool because you can find out anything about anything...but then sometimes Google is the worst. Google tells me that my newborn should be sleeping soundly when, in fact, she is screaming at the top of her lungs. Google says at three weeks of age she should be sleeping 16 hours a day which means my kid must be broken because she is only sleeping 12. Google says good parents spend 5 minutes 5 times a day on tummy time, which Google says is developmentally very important and shouldn't be neglected eventhough I haven't even had time to shower today. 

Google makes me compare. Actually no...I compare...Google just makes it easier. "Comparison is the thief of joy." A quote I read somewhere and it has stuck with me for years. When I compare myself or my marriage or my little nugget to what the Internet or my friends or society says is "normal," it always seems I am lacking. Sometimes, let's be honest, I am lacking and the comparison helps me step up my game. And then there are other times that the stupid comparisons suck the joy out of life...making me feel like I haven't said or done enough. I create an unrealistic expectation of myself and my situation based on what Google has to say.

Being a parent is hard enough. I don't need Google whispering comparisons in my ear. So...no more Google...unless I'm looking for the best onion rings in town. 

Pot Roast

"Won't it be fun when she smiles on purpose." "Won't it be fun when we understand her sleep schedule." "Won't it be fun when she does more than eat, sleep, cry and poop." "Won't it be fun when..."

I've caught myself saying and thinking these things the last few days. And those things will be fun. It will be great when we understand her sleep schedule! On that day I will bake a cake and we will all wear party hats! It will be fun when she starts to coo and smile and do fun tricks. The problem is, by saying those things I'm ignoring the present. It would be like if someone made a delicious pot roast and you sat at the table staring at it, hoping for some dessert. There's nothing wrong with dessert but you need to appreciate the pot roast too. After all, the pot roast won't be around forever. Soon, we'll be siting at the table wondering where the pot roast went and wishing we could get it back. 

The point is...these days are few, even though that is sometimes hard to remember. She won't always be small enough to fit in one arm. She won't always just want me to hold her. She won't always be so tiny and helpless. And someday soon when she isn't those things anymore, I won't remember all the crying and the days without adequate sleep. On those days, I'll just wish I had a little more pot roast. 

Happy Valentine's Day

A conversation in baby face language. 

 It's Valentine's Day already?

Oops...I didn't get you anything!

Wait. I just got you something. Can you guess what it is?

No silly. This surprise isn't even smelly! Guess again!

I got you this cute, little smile!

Thanks Lily! That's my favorite!

Longest Week Ever

This has been the longest week ever...but not in a bad way. This week has wiped out the memory of all the weeks before it and has created the most spectacular new normal. 

I can't believe that it was only one week ago Angel Cakes was born. Since then, everything has changed. Some things have gotten harder. Sleep isn't really a thing anymore. My favorite daily habit has flown out the window (coffee). I haven't had the tv on, even to watch the weather. But I can't remember life without her. I used to get fancy coffee. Who cares about that now. Water is better for me anyway. I used to go to the gym everyday. I burn more calories bouncing and jiggling this little girl than I did before and this is way more fun. I used to watch tv to destress. Project Runway? New Girl? They will still be on the DVR in a day or a week or a month. When I feel stressed, I look at this tiny miracle and realize life is too short to be anxious and worry because every day with her is precious even though some of the moments during the day aren't. 

I feel like this week has been a lifetime long because I can't remember not having this bundle. My life was good before. Now? The only way to describe it is 100% blessed and better than I deserve. Happy one week birthday Sweetie Face!!

Welcome to the World!!

Meet Lily Faith, born February 5, 2015. I always wondered how moms could remember exactly what time their child was born but 12:07 has been forever etched into my heart and brain. When I saw her face, I cried...and cried...and cried. I've never seen anything so miraculous and awesome and amazing and that moment will never leave me.

So far, in the last four days of motherhood I've already done about 75 things I promised myself I would never do. You know, you see a parent doing something and inwardly you roll you eyes and haughtily think, "Well I would never..." Wrong. You will.

"I will never let my baby have a pacifier." But when you're at the hospital and she is chillng out under the bright lights of an anti-jaundice bed...when you can't pick her up and hold her because the lights scare off that stuff in her blood...when she screams and cries and just wants something to make her feel not so lonely, you will. You will use that pacifier even though you swore you never would. 

"I won't be the kind of parent who picks up their baby at the slightest wimper." Wrong. You will. You will pick up your baby to just make sure she is still breathing...just to make sure this is real...just to make sure your tiny miracle feels safe and loved and cared for. You will stand around waiting to hear the slightest wimper so you have an excuse to pick her up and stare at her face. 

"I won't care who holds her. Pass her around!" It's different when she is yours. You see other people loving her and it makes you love her more...if that is possible. 

Welcome to the world Miss Lily! I can't wait for you to show me all the ways I've been wrong!

Expectant Mothers Parking

I finally got up the nerve to park in the expectant mothers parking today.  Thus far it hasn't seemed fair to park there.  After all, it's not like I'm having triplets.  I can walk across the parking lot.  I could probably use the exercise.  But today as I ran to the grocery store to stock up on anything we could possibly need during the next month, I pulled my little car into this coveted spot (and I made to sure unbutton my jacket so people wouldn't think I was faking).

Tomorrow is Induction Day.  We went to the doc yesterday and he said we could either choose to induce or we could wait a couple days.  We chose to induce and are hoping it is the right choice.  A couple months ago we found out Baby Girl only has a two vessel (as opposed to three vessel) umbilical cord.  The umbilical cord normally has two vessels taking blood to the baby and one vessel taking blood away.  This Tiny Baby only has one vessel taking blood to her and one taking blood away which means she gets less blood.  The doc told us there could be complications and thankfully there haven't been any so far.  One concern, however, is that as the pregnancy nears the end, the blood supply will decrease even further and put her into distress.  If she is out here with the rest of us, we can see that she is safe.  If she's still inside, it's harder to be sure and I spend half the day on the couch counting her kicks to make sure she continues to be active.  Plus, if she joins us out here, we finally get to see her face!!

This isn't exactly how I pictured things happening but I guess most things in life are like that.  As long as the end result is a healthy baby, we will be happy.  So, if you think of it and could spare a prayer or two, it would be very much appreciated!

And The Doctor Says...

We went to the doc a couple days ago with our fingers crossed for some good news. Maybe this baby would be ready? Maybe she would be turned in the right way? Maybe this would be the easiest labor and delivery my super old doctor has ever seen? We didn't exactly get the news we were hoping for but we didn't get bad news either. He said my body is "working on it." Good. I'm glad it hasn't thrown in the towel. 

We go back in on Tuesday for another check and hopefully more good news. One part of me is crossing fingers that this will just happen already!! The anticipation...it's killing me!! But on the other hand, it's not in our hands so if it's today or tomorrow or next week (though hopefully not), we just want a happy, healthy, adorable baby. Until then I guess I'll just organize and unorganize and reorganize the closet.